When Running Stopped Feeling Like Me

Running was the first place I was ever truly free. In college I had nothing. I ran everywhere...to class, to work, everywhere. Not because I was training. Because it was how I got through. And when you are sweating hard enough, it is easier to hide the tears.

This episode is about what happens when perimenopause threatens the one thing that has always been yours. The unpredictability nobody warns you about. The 7 minute mile days that make you feel alive. The quarter mile days where the freedom just is not there. And why that goes so much deeper than paces and miles.

Honolulu, December. I am going back.

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"I decided to stop performing and start telling the truth."

Transcript

Running As The First Freedom

Jama Pantel 0:00

Running was the first place I was ever truly free. I need you to understand that before I tell you anything else. In college I had nothing. I ran everywhere, to class, to work, everywhere. Not because I was training, because it was how I got through. And when you're sweating hard enough from running those kinds of paces, it is a lot easier to hide the tears. Running gave me something I did not have anywhere else in my life at that point. It gave me freedom. And I have never let it go.

When Perimenopause Hits Identity

Jama Pantel 0:44

Hey y'all, it's your podcast Bestie Jama again, and today I want to talk about what happens when perimenopause threatens the one thing that has always been yours. This is not a running tips episode, and this is not a training plan episode. This is the episode about what it feels like when running stops feeling like you, and why that goes so much deeper than paces and miles. At my eighth grade graduation, our class had a thing where they described each person. Mine was the Energizer Bunny because she keeps going and going. That has always been true. For decades running was completely predictable. Every marathon, every long run, every training pace consistent. I ran the Kauai Marathon six times, over twenty five hundred feet of elevation gain. I placed in my age group repeatedly. Before forty, I was always around the four hour mark in marathons, reliable, predictable, like clockwork. I never needed to walk, I never stopped. Running all twenty six point two was just what I did. That was who I was. That was the runner I knew.

Grief At Mile Sixteen

Jama Pantel 2:05

In September of the year I turned forty, I ran Kauai again, then I went over to Maui. And that is when my dad called and told me he had cancer. I was already signed up for the Honolulu Marathon to celebrate my fortieth birthday, and he was the one who encouraged me to go run Honolulu anyways. My friend who always ran Kauai with me came to run it as well as she had turned forty recently too. I went home and saw my dad over Thanksgiving a couple weeks before heading out to Hawaii. He seemed totally fine. And then I was boarding the plane to Hawaii and my sister texted me. Dad was bedridden. I was shocked, and there was honestly nothing I can do as I had to shut down my phone and continue on the flight. Race morning I started running my usual pace, consistent, steady. And then mile sixteen happened. I stopped on a course for the first time in my life. Not because of my legs, because I broke down crying. I stood there on that course and I just let it out. And then of course I picked myself back up and I finished. To this day, that race is still my over forty marathon PR on my fortieth birthday. And nothing has felt the same since. Looking back now, I wonder how much of that shift was grief, and how much was the very beginning of perimenopause. I will probably never know the truth. But that day marks the moment the consistency broke.

Shingles And A Permanent Shift

Jama Pantel 3:47

Then in April after I turned forty, I got shingles. They were absolutely miserable by the way, just terrible, and I do not recommend them for anyone. The doctor told me I was too young to have shingles, yet there I was. At the time I thought it was stress from my dad's diagnosis, and maybe it was, but looking back now with everything I know about what was happening in my body, I have to wonder. Because if you can go back and look at my garment data from before shingles and after shingles, the paced shift is right there. Clear as day. Something changed in my body that spring, and it never fully came back. Another clue, another thing nobody connected.

The Estrogen Crash Before Austin

Jama Pantel 4:33

Then came February of this year. Valentine's Day, the estrogen crash hit. My whole body hurt in a way I had never felt before. The Austin Half Marathon was the next morning. My Achilles felt like they might snap just moving getting out of bed. My bones ached like nothing I could explain. Every single step of those thirteen point one miles was a struggle. I am so grateful for my SPI belt teammate Amber. She stayed with me the whole time. And in case you're wondering, SPI Belt is an incredible Austin based company and a staple of my running life. But I am forever grateful that Amber stayed with me the entire race, and I think I've probably said that more than a few times. At the finish line, someone on our team took a photo of me, big smile, medal in hand, arms wide open, the Capitol building in the background. When I posted it, everyone said how happy I looked, but nobody knew. That photo is everything about this episode. You cannot always see perimenopause from the outside.

Unpredictable Runs With No Pattern

Jama Pantel 5:44

Here is what I need people to understand about perimenopause and running. It is not just that running gets harder. It is that running becomes unpredictable. Some days I still run a seven or eight minute mile pace, and those days are everything to me. Those miles make me feel completely alive in a way I will never be able to fully explain. Even if the miles around them are walking miles or slower miles, those moments are a small piece of the old me, and I hold on to them dearly. And then other days I cannot make it a quarter mile. Same body, same fitness, same training, no warning, no pattern, no explanation. A few days ago I set out for a run, sleep score ninety, body battery one hundred, resting heart rate forty three, HRV sixty four. Every number said I was ready. About a quarter of a mile in, I stopped, and I had to start walking. And I said a word I will not repeat on this podcast because this is a clean podcast. Because the freedom I have always counted on was not there. This is not a fitness problem, this is an estrogen problem. Estrogen swings wildly as ovarian reserves depletes. Some days it holds, some days it crashes. Your body goes with it without warning. It did used to confuse me, now I recognize it. However, that doesn't make it any easier. The question that still haunts me is this will I ever feel like that runner again? Will I ever get back to the freedom that has been mine since college? I honestly don't know the answer to that yet. But I'm not done trying to find out.

HRT, Stabilizing The Floor

Jama Pantel 7:43

Hormone replacement therapy is not about getting the ceiling back. At least not at first. Estradol stabilizes the floor. Once levels build, the unpredictable crashes should stop. The wild swings that make me unreliable to myself should stop, and I'll stop wondering which version of myself is going to show up. I have been on progesterone for a couple weeks now at this point. The estrogen gel is still building. This is the beginning, not the final payoff. And in December, I turned forty nine. I plan on going back to Honolulu. The same marathon where it all started to change. The same course where I cried at mile sixteen on my fortieth birthday, this time with HRT on board, with Ferritin being treated, with omega 3s being rebuilt. I still do not know what that race will feel like, but I'm going to find out. Because running has always been my freedom, and I'm not ready to let that go yet. Not a time, not a pace, just myself again.

You Are Not Alone And Next Steps

Jama Pantel 8:56

Alright, y'all. If this resonated, if you have had that quarter mile moment or that seven minute mile moment, or both in the same week, you are not alone. I will see y'all next Tuesday, and if you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to Jama Pantel Unfiltered wherever you listen to podcasts and leave a review. It really does help more women find the show. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or on my website at JamaPantel.com. Alright, bye for now, y'all.